I once read that our 20s are our second adolescence. I think that’s true. We’re becoming fully formed adults, making decisions that will form the foundation of the rest of our lives. We arguably look at situations more rationally than in our teens or even early twenties. We’ve been through some life experience. We have perspective. 

So when it comes to relationships at, say, 25 and up, after we know better than to play games or when not to push buttons, is it taboo to jump in with a “so you’re my boyfriend?” or a “will you be my girlfriend?” Are we too old for titles? 

I’m dating a girl who I’m head over heels for. She told me the same. She’s shown my picture to her parents. She nicknames me “handsome” and “babe.”  I told her I loved her. She told me the same. She isn’t seeing anyone or does she want to see anyone else. But, the other day she says: “I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship right now.” Yes, after the aforementioned had been put on the table, “L” bomb and all, I near vomited in my mouth… before she quickly followed up with “No no no, I mean I’m just not ready for titles.”

She went on to tell me that titles bring pressure; she doesn’t want the pressure of a serious relationship. She may have used the word “responsibility” - how she didn’t much care for that either at this point. But the girl misses me. Texts me. Initiates AIM conversations. Insists I stay over. Again, has shown my picture to her parents. After bringing her to a friend’s party, the guests referred to her as my girlfriend again and again and afterward I asked her if that bothered her. “What else would they call me?” she said. BUT. But. But I’m not her boyfriend. 

To be fair, I’m not one for titles. I’m not crazy about jumping in, about adopting them right away. Matter of fact, I told my very close friend about this (dare I even call it a situation) and he immediately goes, “but you’ve never been one for titles anyway, right?” 

Truth is, no. I haven’t. Dating lately, I really haven’t given a shit. I don’t like to rush things. But here I am with a girl - gracious and gorgeous and intelligent and funny as hell - and suddenly I’m getting an itch in the back of my brain that’s making me feel - don’t take this the wrong way, ladies - like like the female in this counterfeit couple. I’m left going, “Yeah I don’t want titles either… I mean, unless you do. Er. Nevermind.” Hands in pockets, crossing my fingers… am I actually crossing my fingers for a fucking commitment? Yeah, I am. I wonder how much longer I can project my insecurity in this situation by making jokes about it. 

At a female friend’s birthday party the other night, I broached this topic (fucking love getting girl advice - seriously, sometimes I forget about the harem of intelligent women in my life who practically bleed sage advice). The birthday girl’s had a slew of guy problems. She reminds me, funny enough, of my girl - funny, smart, a tomboy in a dress (oh, yes) - and told me something that put me at ease: “This sounds like a girl who’s been burned before. I’ve been there. I’ll bet someone earned her trust, got her all comfortable and then fucked her over at the last minute. Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re a great guy. Seriously, the most important advice I can give you is follow through with your promises. She’s probably had a lot of them broken. She probably doesn’t have very high expectations after what she’s been through. So do what you say you’re gonna do. Follow through with your promises. And if you know you can’t, let her know and explain yourself.” This, I can do. 

A good buddy of mine said today, this put things into perspective: “Titles don’t offer anything but a false sense of security.” And he’s right. What matters is how secure you are with yourself, and with your love for the other person. 

You know how I know I’ll be okay? a) Because I’m not dreading the work, b) It doesn’t feel work. And that’s how you’ll know, too.