It took courage writing that title. I swear l’m not categorizing the girl. She’s so much more than the sum of her sexual mythology.  But, yeah. I dated a squirter.

We went on three dates, slept together on the first and last. The last time we saw each other, she came to my place, we shared a bottle of wine. Talked for a few hours, and started fooling around.

Now, it’s a dangerous thing to get physical with someone you don’t know that well, but we played it safe. I did start going down and her and had a brief moment of panic when she grabbed my shoulder - after I’d coaxed my way down there, reassuring her she had nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of - and pulled me back on top of her. Shaking her head, “Mm-mm,” as if to say, “Don’t. Bad idea,” I listened. She got on top of me. And got close to climaxing.

“I’m gonna come… Oh god, it’s going to be a mess…”

I gave her another minute of encouragement until she had an orgasm. ”Oh god. I’m squirting!”, she goes. No wonder she didn’t want me down there. If she’d have finished with my mouth on her, it would’ve been the sexual equivalent of dunking my head under a faucet. When she finished, no joke, it felt like someone took a lukewarm cup of tea and poured it all over my crotch. It wasn’t nasty in the least. While foreign to me, I liked it a lot. I’d go so far as to say it was pretty hot.

“I’m so sorry. Oh god, I’m so embarrassed,” she said, covering her mouth, sheepish. “No way! That was hot,” I said, “Do it again.”

And she did it again. And again. Four times. My sheets were soaked. She was enthralled. I was smug.

“That’s never happened before,” she said.

The next morning, we had breakfast and walked around the neighborhood. The sex was good, but the conversation was stale, and though we’d slept together twice and had some really tantalizing conversation, I had to end it.

What’s proper protocol to end something in which you meet a girl, go on a couple dates, sleep with them twice and they tell you that they “like you so much.” That you’d been their first lay in a year? I found myself in a position where I had to break it off over the phone. Since my work schedule wouldn’t allow our conversation over coffee, I figured I’d do the next best thing (I learned my lesson long ago that breaking something off over via, say, Myspace message, isn’t the greatest or un-douchey of methods).

“I’ve been thinking a lot about us over the past couple days, and I was thinking, I don’t want to waste our time. I like you a lot but I think you and I both know this isn’t a love match.”

Ugh. That shit’s never easy. But luckily, she agreed. Told me although she wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, she did find me very attractive and was open to the idea of being together at some point, but appreciated my honesty, and recognized the missed connection on the overall. I told her I’d love to go to coffee and talk at some point. Some of my female friends don’t think that’s entirely necessary, but I feel like kind of a shit for ending it over the phone. Fuck me, right? Anyway, I don’t want to make coffee an empty promise. Hopefully she’ll come around.

Thus ends the tale.